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And now for a few unanswerable questions and some questionable answers and other brilliant observations
I was pondering if Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig recently opened his sports section and noticed that the two teams he wanted to contract are at the top or close to the top of their respective divisions.
Yes, the Minnesota Twins are in second place in the American League Central -- one game behind the Chicago White Sox -- and the Montreal Expos lead the National League East.
While were at it, the lowly Pittsburgh Pirates lead the National League Central.
Alas, it's April -- there are five months to the end of baseball season. But in the words of Alanis Morrisette -- "isn't it ironic, don't you think?"
And just how did Selig react when he saw the standings? Did he jump up and spill his steaming hot coffee on the inseam of his custom-tailored pants?
And does Selig read the sports pages first, the stocks, the obits or the comics? I'm just curious.
Or does he work the crossword puzzles? If he does, I have a few cross words for him.
I have a million other questions. Here are a few:
* Why doesn't Weird Al Yankovic -- the man who parodied Michael Jackson's "Bad" ("Fat") and "Beat It" ("Eat It") do a takeoff on "Isn't it Ironic" called "Isn't it Moronic." Then he could play Bud Selig and make fun of contraction.
* Is Charles Barkley the fixer-upper type around the house? Then I suggest he should invest in a roll of duct tape.
There are more than 1,000 uses for duct tape Charles, but there's only one that's suitable for you.
* Speaking of ironic, Kansas City Royals' pitcher Paul Byrd has a 4-0 record with a 2.22 earned run average.
The rest of the Royals' pitching staff is 3-12.
Where would the Royals be without Byrd, whom they released briefly before re-signing?
Why they would be the Detroit Tigers, who started the season 0-11 and are in last place in the AL Central at 4-16.
* The Texas Rangers demoted John Rocker to the minors last week, only to recall the ineffective and much beleaguered (albeit mostly self-inflicted) reliever when they discovered that he's probably their best pitcher. They actually meant to demote the rest of their mound corps and made a mistake.
There is no truth to the rumor that the Rangers tried to swap their pitching staff for Kansas City's staff. Even the Royals have standards.
* The NBA and NHL Playoffs started about a week ago -- if anyone noticed.
Wouldn't it be appropriate if the early round games were sponsored by Sominex and Nyquil?
All they do in the NBA now is shoot 3-pointers and dunk.
And now teams can play limited zone defenses. Gee that's exciting.
Wake me up when the championship rounds start in June. Or is it July?
Bring on the WNBA -- when the real basketball season starts.
John J. Mesh is the sports editor of the McCook (Neb.) Daily Gazette. He can found asleep in his TV chair waiting for the NBA Playoff halftime report to come on so he can yell at Charles Barkley to shut up. Don't wake him. Instead, send him a veh-wee veh-wee quiet e-mail to sports@mccookgazette.com.