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Fall is almost here
Finally, autumn is about to fall and we can all start wearing clothes again.
I've been waiting for this time of year since March. It isn't that I don't like summer. It's just that I don't like the heat that comes with it.
Except in my childhood, I've always said I enjoy winter a lot more than I do summer -- you can always put more clothes on in winter, you can never take enough off during the summer.
Especially this summer.
With more than 30 days of 100 or more degree temperatures, people were beginning to try to find ways of running around naked without being arrested.
That's a scary thought.
Finally, we can start dragging out our big floppy sweaters and jackets and covering up things that should never have been revealed in the first place.
Brad is starting to foam at the mouth every time he sees a deer. I made him go out on a photo expedition with me last weekend and I could tell it was taking every ounce of resolve he could muster not to take out his rifle and shoot every one of the 13 deer we saw.
His eyes started to bug out when we came across a group of about eight young rooster pheasants and I could feel the car accelerate in the direction of every rafter of turkey we saw. We saw a lot.
Let's just say if the limit on turkeys was the same as the limit on pheasants, Brad and I could have taken 10 of our closest friends and all of us would have went home with a full bag -- for two weeks straight.
While I enjoy hunting, I can't say I enjoy it to the degree that Brad does. One of my favorite activities during the fall and winter is cooking -- thus the whole problem with never taking off enough clothes in the summer.
There's just something about filling the house with the smell of vegetable soup, or chili, or homemade chicken and noodles, and the fresh smell of cinnamon rolls (the frozen kind, where all you do is thaw them out and throw them in a pan ... I'm not that ambitious.)
Which brings us full circle to the real reason I like fall -- the baggy clothes.
I was reading an article recently about a study done by the Federal Trade Commission.
It seems that people in the know have decided that 55 percent of the weight loss products advertised on T.V. and in magazines are making false claims.
Many of you may be aware that I have issues with the federal government spending my money on worthless studies, and this one definitely takes the cake.
All they needed to do was send out a questionnaire and ask the people who have tried them.
Some of my favorite lies are the one's that say things such as, "Lose up to two pounds daily without diet or exercise." The only people who can lose two pounds a day without diet or exercise are dead people.
I also enjoyed watching the little belts that sent electrical shockwaves into the rock hard abdomen of models. "This was George before shock therapy," said the announcer as the model did everything he could to distend his stomach to the point of explosion.
"This is George after we sent 500 volts of electricity into his abdominal muscles," he continued, as the model sucked it up to the point where his bellybutton was touching his spinal cord.
Have you noticed those commercials aren't aired any longer?
Since the "miracle
belts have been taken off the market, I wonder what those models look like today.
Unfortunately, the fact of the matter is there are no miracle cures for weight loss. That's why I've decided to adopt a new motto from an HBO movie. It's call "Real Women Have Curves." Some of us just have more than others.
That's also why fall is my favorite time of year.
After all, during the summer you can never take off enough clothes, and if you do, it's likely you'll be arrested.