'I wonder ...'

One month. 32 days to be exact. My first baby girl turns 18 years old. Still a teenager but legally an adult. Still in high school so still my “child,” my responsibility, so to speak. But four months. 116 days to be exact. My first baby girl graduates high school.

Then she is free to go and do what she would like. How could that be? I wonder … is she really ready to be an adult? She was my first, the child that I feel like I made my most parenting mistakes with. Is she OK because of that? I thought I had an endless amount of time, that 18 years was forever away, but when raising kids, 18 years goes by in a flash. A flash that, when thinking back, was so amazing, so beautiful, yet so scary and frustrating all at the same time.

And now, reflecting on that 18 years, I just wonder about so many things. I wonder if I showed her enough attention when she really needed it. Like face-to-face, really listening attention. When she was a toddler and kept asking me to watch her or look at what she was pointing at, did I really look enough or should I have put down my chores and watched her do the somersault for the 10th time? I wish I could go back for just a day when she was in second grade and take her to lunch.

Just sit down and stare at her adorable little face and just listen. Listen to her tell me about her day and her spelling homework and what she played in PE class. Or maybe go back to the day when she was 13 with her braces and feeling like an awkward Junior High kid. Sit with her in her bedroom and look into her innocent green eyes and let her vent about girl drama and mean teachers. Did I really listen back then? Did she feel like I was there for her?

I wonder … did I show her enough affection? I know when she was a baby I carried her everywhere and smothered her with kisses but when she got older, when did that stop? When did I stop kissing her sweet face because I can’t remember? When did mom’s kisses stop fixing all the boo-boos? Did she get enough “just because” hugs from me, not just the only before bed ones? Did I hug her when she was sad or mad and needed her mama? How many times did I let my anger control me when all she really needed was a hug? Was making a point more important to me than showing her I loved her despite how she was behaving? Oh, I wish I could go back and change that!

I wonder if I read enough books to her. Or did I play with her when I had the chance? If I could back, I would play more, read more, and blast music in the house and dance with her. We would paint more and color more and even though I hate it, make more crafts! I would have her help me cook dinner and bake goodies, go on more walks and Sunday evening drives. The stuff she would remember.

Then it hurts my heart when I really get to wondering if I taught her the really important stuff. Like, did I teach her to dream? Or set goals? Did I teach her to believe in herself? Does she feel brave enough to conquer the world? Or is she worried she’s not well enough? Did I build her confidence or tear it down? Did I stress the importance of loving herself and not depending on others to be happy? I show her God and be an example for her? Does she know she’s God’s child too, not just mine, and here on earth for a purpose? Did I pray enough for her and pray for the right things? Does she truly know how much she’s loved? Did I say “I love you” enough, and not just out of habit?

And now that I see her, almost an adult, confident and beautiful and ready to take on the world, I pray that, that despite my many mistakes or regrets, that she is prepared for her future. That she looks back on her childhood with fond memories and overall joy and knows deep in her heart that she is dearly loved and makes me so unbelievably proud!