Not today

I can feel it coming. It creeps up on me now and then, even when I’m not expecting it.

I’ve done a good job of ignoring it and pushing it out but I can feel it sneaking in as each day goes by. People ask me how I’m doing now and then, or if I can believe it and I just smile and change the subject as fast as I can.

I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to believe it. I can’t believe it!

I can’t believe my first baby girl is going to be a Senior in high school! Seriously! Can’t believe it! And I do NOT want to deal with it.

The second it comes to mind, I feel a lump in my throat and a movie reel of memories flip through my mind.

How did she suddenly become so grown up? I see random snapshots of her as a toddler and her elementary and Junior High years until that feeling creeps up and tries to take over me.

That sadness and I just can’t let myself deal with it.

When did I go from scheduling her dance lessons to scheduling her Senior pictures? When she was born it seemed like all this would be a lifetime away.

Eighteen years would take forever to be real. Then here it is! I had a little girl in my house for so many years and now I have a young woman who is almost an adult. Did I remember to enjoy all those years? Did I take enough pictures or get enough video? Did I teach her everything I wanted to? I’m running out of time if not.

Today I got the idea of posting her first day of Senior year picture alongside her first day of Kindergarten picture online this year.

But then I realized I would have to look through all her old photos and I knew I couldn’t bear it right now.

I know the second I open the albums, I won’t be able to control the emotions and all the sadness I’ve kept at bay will erupt.

And I feel guilty for being so sad because I’m thrilled that she has grown and had a good childhood and experienced all the things I wanted her to. I’m thankful she is happy and healthy and I wouldn’t want her to not grow up but on the other hand, this whole thing is downright heartbreaking. Like full on grief for a mother. Now I understand why mom took it so hard when I grew up and left home.

I know the day is coming when I’m going to have to face it. I can’t keep ignoring it and I need to deal with it. I need to grieve and I need to relive all the precious memories, all while still enjoying every last minute of her final year. But I just can’t do it today.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll open the photo albums. Maybe not. But for sure not today. Today I will distract myself and focus on other things. I just can’t believe that my baby is all grown up.

Not quite yet.