Sometimes losing is winning

Most of us don't like to lose. We don't like to lose at anything. It's called being competitive and we're taught that attitude from the crib. Everything in life seems to be about winning and we learn at an early age that people like and respect winners a lot more than losers. But, contrary to the popular notion, losing isn't always bad and it can be good.

I'm sure most people who read this column have had their hearts broken before; some of you more than once. And there's nothing pleasant about that. It's about the worst pain someone can experience because when a loved one leaves you, they do it voluntarily and that's a pain to endure that often is worse than the death of a loved one. So when a person tells you by their actions and behaviors they don't want to be with you anymore, that's a personal rejection at the highest level.

But sometimes we're able to keep up with that person, at least from a distance. We're able to monitor their lives to some extent and to figure out whether they made good or bad choices after they left us. And sometimes we get at least a degree of satisfaction because it's obvious they would have been much happier and much better off if they had stayed with us instead of leaving. The people they chose to have a relationship with, the friends they hang out with, the habits of behavior they've adopted and the lifestyle they've embraced all combine to tell us loud and clear that they made a mistake in leaving us.

That doesn't necessarily make us happy because we've spent the last days, months and even years remembering about how good our lives were when they were with us and just because they made a bad decision in leaving us doesn't make us feel a whole lot better. But it does provide a degree of payback.

Some of your friends may tell you that the other person has changed so much for the worse that they would have never known them if they passed them on the street. Others are amazed at how differently they act and behave than when they were with us. Still others can't figure out what we saw in that person to begin with.

And you say to yourself that life results from just these kinds of decisions; that we have many forks in the road to choose from and the choices we make dictate the kind of life we'll have in the future. Sometimes it's with the schools we choose to attend or not attend, the jobs we take or don't take, the places we live or don't live and the people we live with or decided not to live with. All these decisions are choices made only by us so we're solely responsible for them. We can't blame other people because no one has the power to make us make a choice we don't want to make. And if we one day figure out it was a bad choice, no one can make us stay true to that choice instead of changing it into a better one.

We all know people who are or have been in relationships where one person controls and dictates what the other person does. And many times the one being controlled and dictated to feels like they have no choice but to stay in that relationship and take whatever comes. The problem is it's not true and it has never been true. Any of us can remove ourselves from a bad situation anytime we want and chart a new course for our life. To not do that because of some unfounded fear of the unknown is a coward's way out and those that stay get what they deserve.

And sometimes others are laughing behind their backs because of it!