You don't know what you think you know

We think we know a lot more than we do. We think we know our best friends, our lovers, our boyfriends, our girlfriends, our husbands and our wives. And although we know them slightly, we never know them completely because there are parts of them they always keep hidden.

A girl I was dating once asked me if she couldn't keep ANY secrets from me as if that was a right she had. And we all think like she did. Think about your most intimate and precious relationships and then think about how much they don't know about you. We think thoughts we don't want anyone else to know about. We do things in private we don't intend to share with anyone else. We have hopes, dreams, fantasies and desires we keep to ourselves. Because of this, it's impossible to truly know someone.

And because we don't truly know anybody, it's not surprising when they do or say something that elates us or depresses us, excites us or tempers us, rewards us or punishes us. When someone gets let go, fired, separated, divorced, thrown away or kicked to the curb, the victim is usually the most shocked person they know because they didn't see it coming. The other person had been planning their attack for a long time without our knowledge and when the time is right for them, they spring it on us.

We don't see it coming because we're emotionally tied up with the other person and consequently tend to look at the good rather than the bad. And regardless of how wonderful you think your relationship is with another person, there's always some bad, even if you don't know about it or refuse to see it. And because we don't, we're not able to deal with it until it's too late.

I've always thought secrets and lies were deal breakers in intimate relationships even though I've done the same thing I'm criticizing here. We convince ourselves that we're doing it for our own protection and that's likely true if we're covering up something the other person wouldn't like. We've all heard the old adage, "It's easier to get forgiveness than permission" although I'm not sure that's true. What we hope is that we won't HAVE to get forgiveness because the other person won't find out about our misdeed but if they do, we apologize for doing it and hope that's sufficient because we know the other person wouldn't have given their permission for us to do it if they had known about it in advance.

So it's a charade we're playing with each other; a dance where we know some of the steps but not all of them and we hope those we DON'T know won't be our downfall. But often it is. I found out my wife was divorcing me after twenty five years of marriage through a phone call from her lawyer, not her. She had never mentioned it to me or indicated to me in any way she was through. I thought I knew her better than anyone but as it turned out, I didn't know her very well at all. I have a good friend whose marriage ended in a similar way except instead of a phone call from her lawyer, he found a Dear John letter left on the kitchen table for him.

The last relationship I had ended in a similar fashion. After three and a half years of joy, happiness and constant excitement, it ended one day as quickly as it had begun. I didn't understand it then and I still don't.

So no matter how intimate your relationship is or how well you think you know somebody else, you don't know what you think you know. Maybe your relationship isn't what it used to be but you're still together and that's enough for the both of you. I've never thought it was good to be stuck in ANYTHING that wasn't bringing you happiness and excitement and putting a smile on your face every day whether it be a job, a friendship, or a relationship but that's just me.

Life is too short as it is and time's a wasting. As you share Christmas tomorrow with people you love and you think love you, look at them intently and honestly and decide whether you're seeing their true selves or just the self they want you to see.

You may be in for a big surprise!