That's what friends are for

A couple of days ago I received my invitation to The Gala from the Rape/Domestic Abuse Program of North Platte. It will be held at the Quality Inn and Suites in North Platte at 6:30 pm on Thursday May 7 and will feature a presentation by former Miss America Marilyn Van Derbur Atler.

I've been active in the Domestic Abuse cause for the past 15 years since the woman I was in love with told me she had been a victim of domestic abuse. I was made aware of things her husband had done to her that many of you would not believe and there were other atrocities he committed on her that she wouldn't even tell me.

This column is not about the victim or the perpetrator because we've learned over the years that very little can be done to change them. Perpetrators of domestic violence have a cure rate even lower than sex offenders because controlling and abusing their spouse is their whole life. It's the very definition of who they are and nothing prevents them from doing it again. We can't help the wife either because she was broken down early in the relationship by emotional and psychological abuse, being convinced that whatever punishment she received was her own fault and that all she had to do to avoid that punishment is to do as she's told. So saving either the abuser or the victim is highly unlikely.

The following is taken from the home page of RDAP's website and are the words of Brooke Axtell, an Austin-based activist who fights domestic violence.

"My name is Brooke Axtell and I am a survivor of domestic violence. After a year of passionate romance with a handsome, charismatic man, I was stunned when he began to abuse me. I believed he was lashing out because HE was in pain and needed help. I believed my compassion could restore him and our relationship. But my empathy was used against me. I was terrified of him and ashamed I was in this position. What bound me to him was my desire to heal him but my compassion was incomplete because it did not include me. When he threatened to kill me, I knew I had to escape. I revealed the truth to my mom and she encouraged me to seek help at a local domestic violence shelter. This conversation saved my life. Authentic love does not devalue another human being. Authentic love does not silence, shame or abuse. If you are in a relationship with someone who does not honor and respect you, I want you to know that you are worthy of love. Please reach out for help. Your voice will save you. Let it extend into the night, let it part the darkness. Let it set you free to know who you truly are---valuable, beautiful and loved."

Mrs. Axtell was speaking from the heart to those who suffer domestic abuse, pleading with them to take control of their own situation and to act on it. And even though her words are loving, caring and sympathetic, they go right over the heads of most abuse victims who have been convinced by their abusive husbands that they deserve whatever he chooses to do to them.

"Most abusers cultivate a positive public image. They do favors for friends and neighbors, they joke and laugh, they play up to people in positions of influence, working to develop allies who can support their denial or back up their abusiveness."

Excerpted from WHEN DAD HURTS MOM by Lundy Bancroft

This is where friends are so crucial in these relationships. Mrs. Axtell, as quoted above, told her mother about her situation and she credits that for saving her life but most women tell nobody. They carry the shameful secret around inside them for months and years and sometimes until they're seriously injured or killed. But in many cases friends know. Friends come to know our moods, our attitudes, our behaviors, our dress, even the way we walk and talk. They usually can't figure out immediately what's going on in a person's life but if they're a good enough friend, they'll figure it our eventually and when they do, they step in. Because that's what friends are for.

But when all of this falls into place for a friend of an abuse victim and they realize what's going on in her life, if they look the other way and pretend it's not any of their business because it might harm the relationship they have with her, then they're not a friend to begin with.

There is never an excuse for domestic abuse!