If loving you is wrong

Today's column topic are the beginning words to a classic soul song from Luther Ingram in 1972; "If Loving You Is Wrong, I Don't Want to be Right". Adultery was a debatable topic 43 years ago as it is today and this song made waves on both sides of the aisle. It ended with the words, "I don't want to be right if it means living without you."

The dynamics of any relationship are hard to chronicle or list. I always chuckle when I see lists in magazines or on the Internet that give you your secrets to success: 10 ways to be a better lover, 8 ways to be a perfect wife, 12 ways to be a great husband, etc. Of course, there are no REAL lists because there is no REAL formula. Relationships are based on personality, a physical attraction, an emotional connection, and perfect timing and you can't refine those four diverse elements down into a recipe.

I've always believed you can't steal a person who doesn't want to be stolen. That's a glib way of saying that if a person is in a satisfying relationship, loves their spouse and their marriage, and is dedicated to their family, no Romeo, regardless of his skill or talents, is going to be able to convince her to stray.

On the other hand, if those things AREN'T present in a marriage, then perhaps she's on the lookout for something better or more fulfilling and when she finds someone she's attracted to and that attraction is reciprocated, affairs often follow. And when affairs happen and others find out about them, judgments are made and often lives are either negatively influenced or ruined without the critics knowing what they're talking about.

I say that because nobody truly knows us. They don't understand what makes us smile and what makes us laugh. They don't know what turns us on and what turns us off. They're unaware of what makes us happy and what makes us unhappy. They see our public side but few if any people see our private side; the side we hide from all but our most intimate friends and lovers and sometimes even from them. If you've ever been in a relationship where a person goes from loving you to not loving you overnight, you know that some people have a side to them they never reveal to anybody.

And when you're having an affair, there are two public and private personas involved instead of one which doubles the trouble of trying to figure out what's going on in those people's hearts and minds. And what business is it of ours to begin with? Affairs are almost always emotional commitments as well as physical connections. If you're married and are involved in an affair, you're not going to tell anyone what you're really feeling or what made you stray to begin with because we're all trying to save face. Nobody wants to tell their secrets, especially if those secrets would indicate some perceived failing on our part so we keep our mouths closed. Sometimes we even try to deny the affair when everyone that knows us knows about it; again just because we don't want to have to reveal anything more about ourselves than necessary.

And most of us have those know-it-all friends who have better solutions to our problems than we do. I'm sure some are well-intentioned but the fact is they don't know your deepest you, they often know much less about the person you're involved with, and they have no way of knowing about the intimacies of the relationship that occurs between the two of you. So of the three parts of the relationship; they maybe know a half part and that's the public side of you that you display to them.

Some affairs ruin marriages, others don't. Some people find true love and happiness in a person not their spouse, some people don't. Because once again, there's no formula to follow. Some people believe it takes a lot of nerve to leave a marriage and start a new life with someone else while others are praying for the opportunity to do so. Some are afraid to leave and unhappy marriage because they can't predict the future even though they know the future where they are isn't too bright either.

Most of the things we do in life don't come with any promises or guarantees in spite of the false words most of us utter to each other on our wedding day. We make promises we have no idea if we can keep or not because that's the way it has always been done. I've followed some of my former students on Facebook through falling in love, getting married, having kids, getting divorced, falling in love and getting married again and they're still in their 20's. Some people keep doing it til they get it right.

Others stay tied to the yoke that was first tightened around their necks.