The best day of my life

My first baby turns 15 years old this week.

I've admitted before that every year her birthday rolls around, my happiness is masked by a sadness that I wish wasn't there but it always is.

Every birthday, I take a minute to just stare at her hair, her hands, her eyes and reflect back on how much she has changed in a year.

Of course, at this age, she would call me weird if I stared at her like I did when she was a newborn, so today I just glance or stare when she's not looking. I am completely and utterly amazed at how fast time goes by and how silly I was 15 years ago thinking I had so much time left with her. That's what makes me sad.

When I do have moments to stare at her, I sit and wonder if she'll ever know the story. Will she understand how much I longed for her and that the day I found out she was coming was by far the happiest day of my life.

People say their wedding day or the birth of a child, or their graduation or prom, were their best days of their lives, and no disrespect to any of those wonderful moments but for me personally, it was different.

The early morning of May 1999 when the stick had two lines, my world changed forever. I remember looking in the bathroom mirror both smiling and crying, somewhat in shock but mostly pure joy.

I couldn't believe I was getting something I'd dreamed about since a little girl. I had a list of future baby name put together before I was even out of elementary school. I'd always wanted to be a mommy and wanted the whole husband, family and white picket fence life and the second part of this dream was coming true.

I think I literally floated through that day with endless smiles. I wanted to shout it to every corner of the earth that I was having a baby!

I wonder if my daughter knows that the very morning I found out she was coming, I started talking to her and patting my belly. I told her immediately how much I loved her and to hang in there and grow healthy and strong for mama.

We talked about how we were gonna tell Daddy she was coming, which I decided to wrap up a pair of tiny baby shoes as a gift and gave it to him later that evening. From that day on, she was on my mind every minute of every day.

Was I eating the right things, was I drinking enough water, was I doing everything physically possible to make her healthy.

I bet she doesn't know that I absolutely loved every doctor's appointment and they couldn't come fast enough every month.

I cherished every time I got to hear her little heartbeat and the ultrasound appointments, oh those were the best!

I never found out if she was a girl or boy so it was so fun to try and guess each sonogram visit. But oh, how I loved seeing this little baby moving around on that black-and-white TV screen, wondering what she was or who she was going to resemble.

Does she know that those nine months seemed like a lifetime and probably the longest nine months of my life?

Although I cherished every single moment of my pregnancy, the anticipation of her arrival drove me crazy. Her room was all ready to go, her little clothes were washed and folded and ready for her wear, diapers were stacked and my hospital bag was packed.

Everything was perfect and waiting for this little soul to be born.

I wonder if she'll ever know how much I loved her before she was even here. I dreamt of her long before God decided she would be.

Does she know how blessed I am to be her mom?

Will I ever find the right words to make her understand what she means to me?

Maybe when she's a mother herself?

I don't know, but she has given me some of my dearest and sweetest moments and I celebrate them this week both with a smile and a tear.