What does domestic violence look like?

A push? A grab? A slap? What do you think domestic abuse is?

I don't know if many of you knew what it was in the past but I'm sure most of you do now because of the Ray Rice video. Rice, a professional football player with the Baltimore Ravens, was with his girlfriend Janay in an elevator in Las Vegas when he punched her in the face so hard he knocked her unconscious and then drug her out of the elevator, moving her body with his foot to clear the door. This was all recorded on the elevator security camera for the whole world to see.

Amazingly, she married him a month later and continues to defend him and their privacy. Is this what most battered women do? Unfortunately it happens a lot because of the characteristics of the abuser.

Men are the aggressors in 85 to 90 percent of all domestic abuse cases but it's important to understand that they're not men. They're cowards. Any male who would knock out a woman or throw her up against a wall, or drag her across the floor hasn't earned the title of man and a real man would clean his clock in a heartbeat. Perpetrators have low or no self-concept and try to make up for it by dominating, controlling and abusing the woman in their lives.

There are several character traits they share including controlling behaviors, fear and intimidation, animal cruelty, manipulation, excessive rule making and isolation and in most cases, the girlfriends or wives go along with it because they have no positive self-esteem either.

Controlling behaviors include verbal abuse and putdowns such as calling their women stupid, fat or scrawny, ugly, poor decision makers and the like. Anything a guy can say to get the upper hand on the woman is used and this starts very early on in the relationship. Contrary to what many people think, the physical abuse usually happens later. First the guy has to break down the woman emotionally and psychologically by stripping them of any positive self-concept she may have had and convincing her of how lucky she is that this guy married her because no one else would have.

When this is achieved, the fear and intimidation begins. It can be anything from a dirty look to a raised fist or hand or the display of a weapon, indicating to the woman what's coming next if she doesn't straighten up and do what she's supposed to do. If a woman has a pet, it is sometimes injured or killed by the abuser as a warning to the woman that this is what's going to happen to her if she doesn't act, dress or do what he's told her.

Abusers are masters of manipulation. What usually happens after a physical assault is an apology by the abuser for what he did and promises that he'll never do it again. Robin Givens, the actress, describes her tempestuous marriage to heavyweight boxing champion Mike Tyson in these terms. After he would physically assault her, he would lie in her lap, cry and beg for her forgiveness like a small child, promising it would never happen again and she would believe him until it DID happen again.

Abusers make all kinds of rules to keep their women in line. They're restricted as to where they can go and who they can see or talk to. Caller ID is checked just before the abuser leaves the house and again immediately upon his return so he can see who his wife has called or who has called her. Some abusers won't even let their wives undress when they see a doctor. All the while he constantly tells his wife that if she would just do what she's supposed to do, he wouldn't have to abuse her anymore; putting the blame and responsibility for the abuse on her rather than him.

Finally, abusers like to isolate their wives physically from the rest of the world. It's a common practice for them to live in a house away from other houses so he can carry out his abuse in private without having to worry about anybody seeing or hearing the despicable things he's doing to her.

It's no wonder that children raised in this kind of household leave as soon as they graduate from high school to escape the ongoing trauma they've been exposed to for their whole lives.

We also know that boys who are exposed to this are twice as likely to become abusers themselves as boys raised in homes where no abuse takes place and girls growing up in this environment are twice as likely to become victims of abuse when they get married.

October is domestic violence awareness month and the Ray Rice story has brought this terrible behavior that happens to hundreds of thousands of women every year to the forefront of our consciousness. If anything is ever going to happen in terms of public awareness to change these conditions, now is the time. Women who could have loving, caring relationships with another person are stuck in dreadful situations that aren't ever going to get any better and often get worse. Maybe this will help some women get out while they can.

I hope so.