Aggressively searching for passive solutions

The first city council story I wrote for the Gazette I used nearly every word in my thesauraus to describe their dialogue, in an attempt to avoid repetition. Council members commented, dictated, indicated, voiced, relayed, discussed, talked and added, all in one story.

"Hey what's wrong with 'said?'" our editor asked me after proofing the initial draft.

"The word? Nothing, why?" I replied.

"Seems like you have something against it. For future reference, it's a good word. You should primarily use it when you're quoting people," he instructed in his typically calm manner.

After spending time in the military, followed by several years in other high-stress professional fields, I appreciated his passive-aggressive approach and told myself I would work diligently to ensure he didn't have to repeat himself.

I tried that same approach with Declan but had differing results.

"Hey what's wrong with your fork?" I asked him during a recent dinner.

"Nothing, it's just easier with my fingers," he replied in a fairly disinterested tone.

"It may be easier for you, but the mess your making isn't easier for me to cleanup," I replied.

Declan shriveled his forehead and looked up at me from his plate in an obvious effort to let me know he thought I was being a dork. At the very same moment his right hand, greasy fingers and all, ever-so-stealthily worked its way down from the table towards the suede upholstery of the dining chair he sat on.

"Declan, I swear, if you wipe that hand on your chair, you are going to get it!" I blurted in an effort to derail the journey his hand had already embarked upon.

Declan's hand shot up from under the table, startled by my booming tone, but he immediately began to defend his actions.

"I wasn't...my hands are clean...," Declan muttered as he quickly wiped his fingers off with a napkin and then waved his hand at me as if it were evidence I was being unreasonable.

"Use your fork," I replied sternly, prompting Declan to role his eyes in theatrical disgust as he picked up his dining utensil and stymied a grin.

The passive-aggressive approach of my editor may not have had the desired effect on my stubborn little man, however, the aggressive-aggressive approach of my former drill sergeants seems to be an adequate standby for now.