The love we lost

A good friend called me this past week to read me a story he had written about losing the love of his life. It was a good story, well-crafted and logically put together but I was thinking to myself as I listened to him read it that almost all stories, poems, and songs are written about the loves we've lost, not the ones we still have.

The details of his break-up were extremely painful for him, but most break-ups are. That's because one person in a relationship knows much sooner than the other person what's going to happen and they usually set about to get all their ducks in a row without the other person knowing anything is wrong at all. So when those ugly words are finally spoken, one person is prepared to move on while the other is so thunderstruck by the news that they don't know what to do or say. Some, like me, write columns about it. Others write songs or poems and most pour their hearts out to their friends.

The reason most people don't choose to write or talk about relationships when they're still in them is because they take them for granted. Their lives typically have fallen into a pattern of routine, predictability and, eventually, boredom where every day is much like the day before and they think things are going to be like that forever. That was one thing I made it a point NOT to do. I tried my best to keep my relationships exciting, spontaneous, and unpredictable because I didn't want either one of us to ever get bored. It worked the first time for over twenty five years and would have worked again had I been given the chance.

According to recent research, there are more people admitting to adultery today than ever before and boring, predictable relationships seem to be the main culprit. Most people like excitement in their lives and if they're not finding it at home, they will look elsewhere for it. The experts aren't sure if there really is more adultery today than in the past or if more people are just admitting to it but one thing they're pretty certain of are the reasons for it.

When we choose to enter into a relationship with someone, we do it because that person is exciting to us on many different levels. It could be their looks, their personality, their attitude, their behavior or a little bit of all these things but few people begin a relationship with someone they find boring, predictable and unexciting. And yet that's how far too many relationships end up because once we're in a relationship, we think the work is over when, in fact, the work is just beginning. Catching someone is just the first step, keeping them in love and vitally interested in you and the relationship you've forged with them is a job that lasts a lifetime. A lot of people forget that and, amazingly, they're the ones who are most shocked when their spouses leave them for someone else.

I've mentioned many times in this column that we only come this way once and we're only here for a short period of time. So while we're here, we can either squeeze out every shred of joy, happiness and excitement we can find or we can become complacent and satisfied to the point that tomorrow will be just like today and today is just like yesterday. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out which one of those relationships is likely to prosper and grow stronger and which one is likely to die on the vine.

I think daily about the love I lost because it was easier for her to stay where she was than to come to me and, consequently, the years of happiness, joy and excitement we could have shared with each other never happened because of that decision. We're the only ones who are ultimately responsible for who we are and what we do and if we cede that responsibility to someone else, we're forced to take whatever kind of life they give us until we can't take it anymore.

If we're not doing everything we can, every day of our lives to make that person glad they chose us, it's likely they'll find someone who will.

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I want to congratulation Linda Stumpff, the mother of my children, on her retirement from teaching this year. She spent 28 years in the classroom in Alva, Oklahoma and Russellville, Arkansas giving her best every day to her students. She was rewarded for that effort by being selected as the Oklahoma early childhood education teacher of the year when we still lived in Alva and she continued teaching kindergarten in Russellville, garnering several other awards and accolades there. A few years ago, she changed her focus from kindergarten to Art Education and continued her excellence in that area until she retired last week. She was the kind of teacher her students loved because she devoted herself to them and that's the highest honor a teacher can achieve.

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Don't forget the annual horserace today at Heritage Hills golf course featuring some of the top professionals from Nebraska and surrounding states as they compete to see who will be the last man standing. The horserace is the first event in the annual three-day John Mullen Memorial tournament. And then next week, be sure and watch the U.S. Open and McCook's own Brandon Crick as he competes against the best players in the world for that prestigious title.