Sometimes friends get it wrong

There are five or six of us that hang out together on a regular basis. We golf together, socialize together, and discuss all things related to sports together. Sometimes we go outside the sports world for a discussion topic and that's what happened this past week.

One of our friends out of this small close-knit group is talking about getting married to a woman he hasn't known for very long and we don't think he should. In fact, all of us are absolutely convinced he shouldn't. We think he's making a terrible mistake. I wish I could go into more details in this column about his love choice but we're all in agreement that she has one primary attribute surrounded by a host of faults and we believe he's focusing only on that one attribute and is simply ignoring all the faults that surround it.

This is more than just idle chatter among us. We care deeply for this friend of ours. He's one of the truly good guys in the world. We don't want to see him make a dreadful mistake that will end up being an albatross around his neck forever. Some members of the group have even talked of forced intervention to prevent him from doing something all of us unanimously agree would be the worst thing he could ever do.

And then in the middle of all of this, I realized we're doing to him the same thing that had been done to me a few years earlier and I was ashamed and embarrassed that I had allowed myself to become a part of this lynch mob mentality. During my last relationship, I heard all the same things from this same group of friends. I was told it would never work, that I was being used, manipulated, and taken advantage of, and that she would never end up with me. And, interestingly enough, she was also receiving criticism and negative advice about our relationship from her circle of friends. That became crystal clear to me one afternoon when she left me a message on my answering machine that said, "Sometimes when I'm not with you, I forget how you make me feel when I am." I knew then I was losing the battle because she was paying more attention to what everyone else was saying than she was to me and her own heart. Consequently, things didn't end up working out for us, although I had nothing to do with making that decision.

As I listened to my friends try and dissuade me daily from continuing the relationship, the one thing I knew they would have no way of knowing was what was in my heart. And the same thing applied to her friends. Regardless of how well or how long we've known someone, we never know everything about that person. We all tend to keep our deepest and most intense emotions to ourselves and even when we don't, others can't understand and comprehend the depth and intensity of our emotions if they aren't going through the same thing. One of the things we discuss often in the college classes I teach is the absolute need and requirement to look at all sides of an issue before we render an educated opinion because we can't truly know the issue until we do. My friends weren't looking at all sides of the issue when they were offering their advice to me, whether altruistically or self-serving, and neither were her friends. None of my friends ever talked to her about her true feelings and emotions and none of her friends ever talked to me about mine. Because of that, they were looking at our relationship only from their own narrow, biased perspectives with no ability at all to see the total picture.

And yet I found myself this past week joining the group and doing exactly the same thing to our friend, a friend who had done the same thing to me in regards to the relationship I was in. So I decided to withdraw from that discussion. Even though I knew I had what I thought were his best interests in mind, it was only what I thought, because I can't see into his heart and soul. I don't know what his reasons and rationalizations are for making the choice he's making. I can't know because I'm not him. Our life experiences are all different. Our perspectives, norms, and values are all different. How we respond to situations and challenges are all different. We're simply not equipped at any level to give advice to others about how to lead their lives when so many of us are doing such inferior jobs at leading our own.

I don't know my friend's heart and I don't know hers. If they end up getting married, maybe it WILL be the unmitigated disaster that all his friends are predicting, as was I until I came to this core realization that I was doing the same thing to him that he and others had done to me not long ago.

But maybe it won't be a disaster at all. Maybe what they need more than anything else is each other and the only ones who can possibly know that are them. Maybe this is the soulmate he's been searching for forever. Maybe this is the one person in the world who can take him, as Van Morrison sings, "from the dark end of the street to the bright side of the road."

Regardless of what the rest of us think and believe, whatever he decides will change his life forever and because of that, it should be his decision and his decision only.

If all of us spent more time trying to make our own lives better instead of trying to constantly solve the problems of others, especially when we haven't been asked for our "help" or advice, the whole planet would be better served.