Lighting someone's fire

There's a new book out this week, put together by Martin Parr. It's called "Bored Couples." It is a collection of photos taken all over the world of couples out in public together who appear, based on their obvious lack of interest in the other person, that they would rather be anywhere other than where they are, doing anything other than what they're doing and being with anyone, other than who they're with.

This certainly doesn't come as a shock. I'm surprised someone hasn't thought to do this kind of photo book before. It's apparent practically every time one goes out to a public place. All we have to do is look around and see the same bored people with the same bored looks on their faces that Parr captured for his book. It's just another reason for the over 50 percent divorce rate that has existed in this country for the past twenty years or so.

I'm pretty sure no one gets married with the idea of being bored by their spouse and their relationship in the years to come but it happens anyway and it happens to far too many people. It doesn't have to happen. In fact, there are specific steps we can take to make SURE it doesn't happen, if we are so inclined to actually work on our relationships.

LIKEABILITY: It sort of helps if we actually like the person we're with. A woman told me once that she loved her husband; she just didn't like him very much. This is a pretty amazing thing to admit to, but thousands of people feel exactly the same way.

Why would anyone get married to someone they don't really like? Liking the other person, enjoying their company, and preferring to be with them than others is the cornerstone and foundation for a successful marriage.

Not only should you like them, they really ought to be your very best friend. They should be the person you would choose to be with and do things with, even if you weren't married to them. But we see so many couples every single day who don't fit this mold at all. They do things by themselves or with others that leaves their partner out, often intentionally.

It's not unusual to see couples in a public place act like they don't even know each other. They often arrive separately, spend the entire evening away from each other, and then leave separately. What's the point of being married if you don't want to be with your spouse?

COMPATABILITY: It's also essential that you share common interests. I'm not talking here about being a cookie-cutter version of your spouse but there should be things you enjoy as a couple. Things you enjoy sharing with the other person. Again, it's pretty obvious when you see people out in public who are enjoying themselves WITH each other instead of apart from each other. They actually like being with the other person and doing things with the other person. Opposites do attract but opposites aren't likely to last because marrying your opposite certainly cuts down on the number of things you can do with your spouse that you both enjoy.

My best friend Rick and his wife Betty are in Cancun this week because they BOTH love going to Cancun. They enjoy it so much they go twice a year and as soon as they get back from one trip, they start planning and looking ahead together to the next trip. They have a cabin over at Cambridge lake and they BOTH love being over there together as often as they can. By the way, they like each other too.

SPONTANEITY: Perhaps the leading cause of boredom in a marriage is routine and sameness. Some couples just seem to get into a rut and they never do anything to get out of that rut. Maybe neither has any imagination or worse, no desire, to be a little "spur of the moment" in the things they do.

Maybe they don't think they have to leave notes under each other's pillow, or send flowers on normal days instead of just special days, or surprise the other with a gift or a trip or a thousand other possibilities. We have to work at relationships, just like we have to work at anything that has value in order to reap the benefits that often lie hidden, buried deep in the sands of boredom, sameness and routine. Looking for and finding spontaneity has saved the marriages of many people but the desire to do so has to be there first.

If you and your mate are fortunate enough to have all three of the above characteristics then you need no one else to tell you how good your life is together. You spend every day, as Jim Morrison and The Doors referred to in one of their most popular songs, "lighting each others' fires." If you don't, chances are good that you are a prime candidate for Parr's next book on boring couples.

The saddest part about boring couples is that often, at least one of them wasn't like that when they got married. One person WAS likeable, WAS compatible with the other, and WAS spontaneous, at least in the beginning. But because the other was none of those things, the stronger, dominant person literally just sucked the life out of the weaker, more submissive person until all they have left is an empty shell.

They're married in name only. They have none of the qualities and characteristics of happily married couples. Couples who are so glad and thankful they found the person who completed their picture and made all the pieces fit together. Nothing less than a profound epiphany can save couples like this.

If the epiphany doesn't come, they've wasted their marriage and their lives because they became content and satisfied with settling for far less than they could have had.

And that's a tragedy.