Hot prospects for advertising

"Guess what, Gloria?" Dawn Kalinski, one of the Gazette's ad staff, asked me as I walked by her office the other day.

I stopped, waiting for her revelation.

"September was National Menopause Awareness Month."

I wasn't sure how to take it. Did she expect me to act more civil now that Sept-ember was over. Was it her way of telling me she understood how I had been feeling. Or was it simply her way of pointing out that we had missed out on a great revenue opportunity.

"Dawn," I re-sponded, "anyone that's spent more than five minutes with me is more than aware of menopause."

"But Gloria," she continued, "we missed out on a great revenue opportunity."

"Good," I thought. "Door Number Three." Maybe I hadn't been as bad as I thought I had.

We started discussing possible advertising opportunities in the Menopause edition.

We began our list with gun shops -- for the protection of those not personally experiencing the symptoms of menopause.

We also thought about appliance dealers for the purchase of body size refrigerators -- not for storing the body of the menopausal woman, but for use as a personal cooling device for the comfort of that woman.

Of course, we can also sell the tabloid to the obvious advertisers -- motels for those many nights when her husband ends up saying "yes" when he should have said "no," and of course restaurants -- for those nights when her husband ends up saying "no" when he should have said "yes."

Locksmiths would also be viable advertisers, just in case one of the house's residents decides to lock the other out for a week or two.

Travel agents and airlines could certainly benefit, just in case the two need to be separated by a couple of continents and car dealers would most likely double their car sales since men dealing with menopausal women will try anything to get her in a better mood.

The target audience for such a publication would be huge when you consider that 25 million women a year are going through menopause.

When you think about it -- actually its best not to think about it -- but when you do think about it, that's a staggering number of hot, tired, ticked-off women running around the world, trying to cool down, rest up and let off a little steam without blowing the top off the pressure cooker.