What doesn't kill you

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger," the old saying goes. I think it does even more than that. I think it makes some people absolutely fearless. When we've faced the toughest things that life has to throw at us and we're still here, we develop an extra muscle in our constitution that literally drives fear out of our system. We say to ourselves that if we can get through this, we can get through anything. Of course, a lot of that has to do with strength of character because we know there are lots of people who go in the opposite direction. A devastating experience devastates them as well. It robs them of their lifeblood, of their optimism, of their hope of anything good happening to them in the future and, in the process, it quashes and defeats their spirit. And our spirit is the engine that drives the train.

I know people in both categories and today's column looks at both sides and attempts to explain the rhyme and reason for two such opposite reactions to the common and uncommon slings and arrows that life often throws at us. What makes one person cower at the thought of meeting life head on because they've experienced hardship and deprivation in the past while the other person meets and greets life with an even greater passion than before?

We're all different, that's for sure. We're born with different potentials and different abilities and certainly different upbringings. Some people become satisfied with less because that's all they've ever had. Or that's the way they were raised; to just accept life as it comes because we're limited in what we can do to change our lives.

And so they succumb to this philosophy and way of life in spite of innumerable examples to the contrary. In spite of those people who experienced more hardship and deprivation than they did and yet, in staring death and loss and sadness in the face, they chose to battle it head-on rather than giving up and giving in.

That's what I mean by fearless. While some people quit or become so rote in their behavior that they believe that if they did anything to change their lives, it would be met by more defeat and bad choices, others confront those challenges head-on. We've heard of soldiers who perform absolutely heroic events against all odds right after their best friends died in their arms, while other soldiers faced with the same prospect do nothing at all or, in the worst case scenario, turn tail and run the other way.

I have ideas about why the latter happens and I've addressed those choices in this column before. They've become afraid of life. They've become afraid of outcomes. They've become convinced that any decision they make will be wrong. They listen to the advice of naysayers instead of looking inside themselves. They've perhaps been so beaten down and invalidated by others that they have no confidence in their own ability to do anything at all, other than what they've always done.

On the other hand, sometimes we're faced with things we never thought we would have to confront. We're faced with the death of a child or we're confronted with the love of our life deserting us, or we unexpectedly lose our job, or a thousand other unpleasant things that we never thought about or anticipated. How can any parent anticipate losing a child? Why would anyone secure in a loving, reciprocal relationship ever expect the love of their life to walk away from them, breaking every word and promise they made in the process? What caring and devoted employee would ever expect to be fired from their job? The list could go on and on.

Yet some people who experience these terrible upheavals in their lives don't give in and give up. They don't turn tail and run. They don't lose confidence in who they are and what they have to give. In fact, after the shock of the loss is over, they become even more energized about facing life head on. Why do they do this? Why do they act differently from the group that gives up and throws in the towel? Some people think it's depth of character. Others think its upbringing or spirituality or faith or hope or an indefatigable spirit.

And it may be one or all of those things. But it also might be desperation fueled by such overwhelming loss that nothing else matters anymore. The only way some people can confront the beast that lives outside all our doors is to no longer care about what happens to us. When we become so destroyed by things beyond our control some of us lose all fear and are quite willing to confront the enemy, whoever the enemy might be, with no fear at all because we no longer care what the outcome of that confrontation might be.

"Freedom's just another word

For nothin' left to lose."

Janis Joplin

Me and Bobby McGee