You know what they say ... schnitzel happens

One of the biggest annoyances of ESPN and ESPNews is that the same sports stories are covered over and over and over again.

By the time the shows are repeated the third or fourth time through, you have the major sports news of the day before memorized.

You also have all of ESPN's little jokes memorized -- the cute ones, the somewhat-funny ones and the really lame ones.

Wednesday, Thursday and Friday must have been slow days for sports news.

The major sports news of the last three days has been the Randall Simon incident at the Milwaukee-Pittsburgh baseball game earlier this week.

The main highlight for fans at Milwaukee Brewers' home games this season is the "Great Sausage Race."

Simon, a first baseman for the Pittsburgh Pirates, bonked or conked one of the contestants -- I think it was the Polish Dog or maybe it was the Kielbasa -- on the head.

The whack on the sausage-costumed head caused the 19-year-old woman (a Brewers' employee) to trip over another contestant and caused a third to stop and gawk. A fourth contestant raced to the finished line with a tainted victory.

ESPN referred to the video of this incident as the "Zapruder Film" -- where's Oliver Stone when you need him?

After the game, Simon was handcuffed and taken to the pokey in the back of a squad car.

Brewers' officials initially tried to charge Simon with assault, and later dropped the charges. He had to pay $432 in fines.

The woman in the costume claimed she was never harmed. Simon hit the costume head and not her actual head. All the woman wants from Simon is an autographed bat.

In Simon's defense, teammates and opposing pitchers say he will swing at anything -- first-pitch fastballs, mascots, etc. He never swung at a pitch he didn't like.

But by listening to Brewer officials rant and carry on, you would think that Simon had committed a terrorist act. Quick! Call secretary of defense Donald Rumsfeld and raise the terror alert to orange.

For the love of Old Milwaukee and Happy Days, what in the name of Laverne and Shirley is going on here?

Aren't you folks in Milwaukee getting a bit carried away?

You live in the sausage capital of the United States -- not to mention the cheese capital -- and you haven't figured it out by now:

Schnitzel happens!

Chill out with a cold one (or a couple cold ones) and cheesy dog (now I'm hungry) and get on with the rest of your life. You can't blame folks in Milwaukee for overreacting.

Let's face it, with the exception of All-Star sluggers Richie Sexson and Geoff Jenkins and up-and-comer Wes Helms, the Brewers flat stink.

However, there is no truth to the rumor that so-called Brewer fans stay until the sausage race and then leave.

By the way, does watching a bunch of people dressed up as sausages increase your cholesterol count?

And why aren't the Brown 'n' Serve and Jimmy Dean sausages represented in these races? It's discrimination I tell you.

People only watch spectacles like that to see sausages crash (and burn). It's not pretty.

I'm sorry to say this to Brewers' fans, but there are three months left in the season.

But look on the bright side Wisconsin people, National Football League training camps start pretty soon.

You always have the Green Bay Packers to root for.

And there is always the "70's Show."

John J. Mesh is the sports editor of the McCook (Neb.) Daily Gazette. The real motive behind writing this column was to find an excuse to say "schnitzel." You can e-mail John at sports@mccookgazette.com.